Properly addressing judges

Courtroom decorum is always important and judges can be touchy.  An Australian law firm, Welcher & Welcher (“Pretty good for the price”®), weighs in with good advice on the proper way to address a judge:

Addressing a judge is very much like addressing an envelope.  First, hold the judge down flat on the table (he’ll probably be squirming a bit, so you might need help from a big-armed friend) and write the address on him legibly in ink.  Remember to blot him and also write your return address on his rear.  Affix a stamp on his top right corner; probably over his eye which is conveniently pre-moistened and then drop him into a nearby pillar box.  Some judges are quite fat so you might need your big-armed friend to help you again. Alternatively I would recommend some sort of miniaturisation ray.

The firm offers a handy troubleshooting guide if problems develop.