Looking Like a Harvard Professor

[Beat poet Cappy (Morey Amsterdam) and sociology professor Dr. Robert Sutwell (Bob Cummings) are talking.  Sutwell has an extremely prominent beard]
     Cappy:  Just one thing, Professor, will you level with me?  What’s with the feather duster?  The beard?  You think it moves the chicks?
     Sutwell:  No, it usually works the other way.
     Cappy:  I don’t dig.  You don’t want to level with me?
     Sutwell:  All right I’ll level with you.  When I first started out a Harvard, I was the youngest professor at the university.  I was so young that it was sickening.  No one took me seriously.  Every time when I opened my mouth to speak, my students laughed, the other professors laughed, even the janitors laughed.  Well, I knew it couldn’t go on for long before I was fired, so one day at lunch, I sat down in the student cafeteria and presented my problem to this old professor friend of mine.  And without even glancing up from his soup, he said to me: “buy yourself a pair of glasses and grow a beard.”  So you see, all of this is just 18 years of professor window dressing.
     Cappy:  Amazing how our lives parallel. You have that, and I have this.  [points to his chin, which has a beatnik beard]  You know why I grew this?  I got a dimple in my chin and I didn’t want anyone mistaking me for Kirk Douglas.
     Sutwell:  But you don’t look anything like Kirk Douglas.
     Cappy:  See? It works.

                 From Beach Party (1963)