Monty Python on Substantial Performance

From the “Last Supper” sketch.  Michelangelo is played by Eric Idle; the Pope is played by John Cleese.

Michelangelo: Good evening,your Holiness.

Pope: Evening, Michelangelo.I want to have a word with you about this painting of yours, “The LastSupper.”

Michelangelo: Oh, yeah?

Pope: I’m not happy aboutit.

Michelangelo: Oh, dear. Ittook me hours.

Pope: Not happy at all.

Michelangelo: Is it thejello you don’t like?

Pope: No.

Michelangelo: Ah, no, Iknow, they do have a bit of colour, don’t they? Oh, I know, you don’t like thekangaroo?

Pope: What kangaroo?

Michelangelo: No problem,I’ll paint him out.

Pope: I never saw akangaroo!

Michelangelo: Uuh…he’sright in the back. I’ll paint him out! No sweat, I’ll make him into a disciple.

Pope: Aah.

Michelangelo: All right?

Pope: That’s the problem.

Michelangelo: What is?

Pope: The disciples.

Michelangelo: Are they tooJewish? I made Judas the most Jewish.

Pope: No, it’s just thatthere are twenty-eight of them.

Michelangelo: Oh, well,another one will never matter, I’ll make the kangaroo into another one.

Pope: No, that’s not thepoint.

Michelangelo: All right.Well, I’ll lose the kangaroo. Be honest, I wasn’t perfectly happy with it.

Pope: That’s not the point.There are twenty-eight disciples!

Michelangelo: Too many?

Pope: Well, of course it’stoo many!

Michelangelo: Yeah, I knowthat, but I wanted to give the impression of a real last supper. You know, notjust any old last supper. Not like a last meal or a final snack. But you know,I wanted to give the impression of a real mother of a blow-out, you know?

Pope: There were only twelvedisciples at the last supper.

Michelangelo: Well, maybesome of the others ones came along after…

Pope: There were only twelvealtogether.

Michelangelo: Well, maybesome of their friends came by, you know?

Pope: Look! There were justtwelve disciples and our Lord at the last supper. The Bible clearly says so.
Michelangelo: No friends?
Pope: No friends.

Michelangelo: Waiters?

Pope: No.

Michelangelo: Cabaret?

Pope: No!

Michelangelo: You see, Ilike them, they help to flesh out the scene, I could lose a few, you know Icould…

Pope: Look! There were onlytwelve disciples at…

Michelangelo: I’ve got it!I’ve got it! We’ll call it “The Last But One Supper”!

Pope: What?

Michelangelo: Well theremust have been one, if there was a last supper there must have been a onebefore that, so this, is the “Penultimate Supper”! The Bible doesn’tsay how many people were there now, does it?

Pope: No, but…

Michelangelo: Well there youare, then!

Pope: Look! The last supperis a significant event in the life of our Lord, the penultimate supper was not!Even if they had a conjurer and a mariachi band. Now, a last supper Icommissioned from you, and a last supper I want! With twelve disciples and oneChrist!

Michelangelo: One?!

Pope: Yes one! Now will youplease tell me what in God’s name possessed you to paint this with threeChrists in it?

Michelangelo: It works,mate!

Pope: Works?

Michelangelo: Yeah! It looksgreat! The fat one balances the two skinny ones.

Pope: There was only oneRedeemer!

Michelangelo: Ah, I knowthat, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic license?

Pope: Well one Messiah iswhat I want!

Michelangelo: I’ll tell youwhat you want, mate! You want a bloody photographer! That’s you want. Not abloody creative artist to crease you up…

Pope: I’ll tell you what Iwant! I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve disciples, no kangaroos, notrampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don’t get paid!

Michelangelo: Bloodyfascist!

Pope: Look! I’m the bloodypope, I am! May not know much about art, but I know what I like!

[Meredith R. Miller]